Due Date Blues

The most important thing I have to say today is this: Just because today is the baby's official due date doesn't mean the baby is going to magically pop out in a shower of glitter.

Other than that, just because I'm pregnant doesn't make it suddenly appropriate for casual acquaintances or even strangers to have VIP access to the happenings of my uterus and other body parts. I do not want to talk to you about how much weight I've gained, colostrum, or mucus plugs. Please don't tell me about yours.

If one more person tells me to eat some spicy food to get the labor going, I will give up Tums for the remainder of the pregnancy to watch them get beaten with a shank made of urine sample cups. You were warned.

Oh, and since we're just sitting around here, err, waiting, we might as well talk about Dr. Winch. Remember him? I have thankfully switched doctors after my last pregnancy, so I haven't seen Dr. Winch in a long time. Well, since the morning Penelope was born and he rushed out of the delivery room and never checked on me again. Rumor has it, (from a reliable source) Dr. Winch has been 'suspended' from practicing at the hospital for allegations including, but not limited to: Yelling at nurses. Yelling at patients and their spouses. Threatening nurses, patients and spouses. Throwing things at nurses. And following a husband out into the parking lot to initiate a 'fight'. Yep, that guy's a winner.

One last thing. If you are one of those people that texts every morning just to make sure I haven't given birth and (gasp) not told them, I'm making a list and you will be last to know. Actually I probably won't even tell you. You can hear it from someone else.

Disclaimer: If I sound harsh, just remember I'm pregnant. Any and all of my ranting and opinions can be rescinded after delivery.

Are You Pregnant?

No, are you?

There comes a time when child number one reaches an age around 16-20 month when people around you start their silent (or vocal) unabashed wondering. Wondering if you have been sick a lot lately. Wondering if you have any plans 9 months from now. If you get sick, suddenly it is not the bug that has been going around, but morning sickness. A simple yawn is proof that you are exhausted from the rigors of the first trimester. "You haven't written an article in a month," also leads to--She has to be pregnant.

A few months ago, I was hesitating when to buy tickets to visit my parents. I get an email from my mother, "...I am thinking you are pregnant again and aren't feeling up to traveling..." Was that a question or a statement? Or just a woman's intuition?

Remember when you were a teenager and people started looking at your face, then down to your chest, then (usually) back up to your face? Lately, I have noticed a few people greet me, look blatantly at my belly, and then back up at my face. If you wear baggy clothes, you may start rumors about being six months along. If you are wearing fitting clothes, be sure to suck in that extra five that is hanging around from the last pregnancy. (I should clarify that I was speaking about teenage women. Men - if you are lost at this point, just shake your head and keep reading. Actually you can just skip this entire article, compliment a woman on her beautiful eyes, and find a Sports Illustrated.)

All of this wondering is not uncalled for. Most children are not only children, and many children are born within 18 to 36 months of their sibling(s).

Acquaintances are a lot less sensitive when questioning about subsequent children. From "Does Penelope like babies?" to no fuss "Are you pregnant" and "Are you trying?"

Lucky for my readers, if and when the time comes, you will know all the details. I am not one to sit back and silently suffer nausea, heartburn, and general hugeness. I plan to go on and on about my aches and pains. I can share all the details one can stomach. Maybe more. Anyone that is still loyally reading will have nausea themselves. The only wondering that will be going on will be wondering, "Is that baby EVER going to be born?!"

Football and Childbirth

Men talk about sports like women talk about childbirth.

It's true. Get a couple guys together and they are talking about some game. Get some women together and our conversation goes quickly to birth stories.

Here's how it goes:

1. Did you see that football game Saturday? / How did the birth go?

2. Well, Wichita had been having a great season up until they played El Paso. / She had a great pregnancy, but had so much heartburn towards the end.

3. First, Wichita had the ball and they didn't do anything the whole first quarter. / Her water broke and they rushed to the hospital only to find out her labor completely stopped!

4. Just before half time, El Paso did this double play and fouled the ball! / Finally, after 15 hours she was 5 centimeters dilated and in SO much pain!

5. Wichita was tired, but finally got going, scoring 17 points in the next inning. Then they were at 50 yards and couldn't make a play. (ok, use your imagination...I know nothing about football OK?) / She finally got the epidural because by that time she was just exhausted. Then she pushed for an hour and nothing was happening!

6. Then in the last 7 seconds, El Paso intercepted the ball and made a touchdown, winning the game. The final score was 25-21. / Then the baby went into distress and the doctor performed an emergency cesarean. The baby was 9 pounds 11 ounces. No wonder she couldn't get it out!

Fun in a Verizon Store

Ok, Janet, since you are semi-patiently awaiting my next post here you go. Today I will divulge the top secret story about the time I passed out in a Verizon store:

Eat. Even if I am sick, I must eat. Or bad things happen.

Once upon a time, back when I still had two arms and stomach muscles, I found out I was expecting a baby. Those first few weeks and months are a spiral of thoughts and emotions, from "I can't believe I'm pregnant," to "When can I start shopping for baby things?" The day I went to the Verizon store was somewhere between, "Will this nausea ever end," and "I don't want anyone to know I'm pregnant."

It was winter, and I had dressed in several warm layers to go to town. The Verizon store is where my good friend Cori works. So as she helped me, I was feeling sick, and well, warm. Then I started feeling even warmer. Then I took one of my jackets off and felt even warmer!! Then, drumroll.....I collapsed into a limp jellyfish as Cori caught me and held onto me until I started coming back around.

As I came to, I Cori was saying something like, "Sheena! Sheena! Are you OK?!?" and everyone in the store was staring. Someone got me a chair to sit down in and I just sat their trying to breathe and telling Cori I was fine. Just fine. The nice Verizon people let me relax in their office for a bit, and fed me some much needed food. One of Cori's co-workers blurts out, "You're not pregnant, ARE YOU?"

"Ahhh, well, yeah I guess I am," I said sheepishly. So I figured I better tell Cori so she didn't hear the big news through the office grapevine.

Cori just rolled her eyes a little and said, "I thought so...." So much for secrets between friends!

Now whenever I need to go to Verizon, whoever helps me usually looks at me, "You look familiar..." and I say, "Yep, I'm the one who passed out in your store."

So if I ever look a little woozy, please bring me some food. Preferably a Starbucks and a cheese danish.

Why I am still wearing maternity clothes

Maternity clothes....definitely has a different meaning to me than before I was pregnant. When I got pregnant, having to buy and wear huge maternity clothes was something I dreaded. My friend Christina gave me lots of her old maternity clothes, and although thankful for them, I looked at them with dread. Was I really going to need clothes THIS big? I surely would never put any size large clothes on my petite frame. And did anyone actually wear these ones with what looked like panty hose expanding several inches above the waistband?

After doing some shopping I found out that there were some cute maternity clothes out there. And they were comfortable and cool in my third trimester. And I did end up wearing some rather large sizes. Clothes shrink a little, you know.

Now as Penelope nears the 5 month mark, I have a secret. I am still wearing maternity clothes. Not all of them, but I frequently am found sporting them.

The top 4 reasons I am still wearing maternity clothes:

1. Ease of nursing. It takes skill to successfully nurse a baby without exposing yourself. Large, flowing shirts are great!
2. I don't really care. I have officially entered mommyhood and don't care nearly as much how I look. And when I do care, I realize that nothing in my closet is going to look great once saturated with drool and spit-up.
3. Umm, ahem....I don't fit into all of my pre-pregnancy clothes. There. I said it. I am not huge, but I still weigh 10 pounds more than I did pre-pregnancy. And those 10 pounds have redistributed themselves quite differently than before.
4. One word: Elastic. Stretches when you need it to, compresses when you don't.

Dr. Winch

The promised Dr. Winch post...

In late January, I decided that a certain monthly occurrence was overdue, and I might be pregnant. I sneakily bought a home pregnancy test from Walmart, and hoped no one I knew would spot me. For some reason I was horrified that someone would find out I was pregnant before the customary 3-month announcement, so I quickly destroyed all of the packaging material. We were leaving for Reno that day, and before picking up Wayne after work, I went to Starbucks for a bit. I pictured a romantic occasion that night in the hotel room, complete with candles and incense, when we would discover we were expecting. However, the test stick was burning a whole in my purse, and I decided I couldn't handle the suspense, and went to use the restroom. As fate would have it, the women's restroom was out of order, and I really did have to go, so I boldly entered the men's room. So it was there in the men's room of Starbucks, that I held up my shaking hand and discovered I was pregnant.

I have veered a bit from the subject, so, back to Dr. Winch. I made an appointment at one of the OB/GYN offices in town. This particular office has three doctors and a midwife. The deal is, you see a different face every time you go in for an appointment, and whichever doctor happens to be on call when you go into labor, delivers your baby. Long story short, it was Dr. Winch that ultimately 'delivered' Penelope.

Just so you have a nice mental picture, Dr. Winch has a striking resemblance to Albert Einstein. He is short and a bit older, with grey hair, grey mustache, and long, wiry grey eyebrows.

Now, since I rotated between doctors, I had about 4-5 appointments with Dr. Winch. My appointments generally lasted 8 and a half minutes, in which Dr. Winch spoke very quickly and never once asked if I had any questions. The first appointment I had with him at 16 weeks went something like this: "Hi Sheena, I'm Dr. Winch, lets see, you haven't had an ultrasound since your first appointment, let's take a look at your baby." He opens the door widely and calls to his assistant to bring in the ultrasound machine. Once the machine is ready, he continues, "Now what do you want, girl or boy? Usually we can't tell this soon, but maybe..." I tell him I don't have a preference for the sex of the child. "Oh, well what will be easier? See you want a boy, boys are much easier, I have four boys, there is no drama, no teen pregnancies, no-Oh! Looks like you're having a boy! Great, I'd say 75% chance it's a boy. OK, see you in four weeks." And he walks out, leaving the door open behind him.

Later, we find out out the little fetus is not a boy, but a girl. At another appointment closer to the birth, Dr. Winch asks if I have thought about names. I said we were considering Penelope. Dr. Winch: "Hmm, well you know what everyone will say, "Penelope Pig", Penelope is just too long. One syllable names are better. See, all my boys are one syllable: John, Zach, Brad, and Nick. Easy to say. OK, see you in two weeks," and is three quarters out the door when I say, "Dr. Winch! I need to ask you about something." He comes back in and I ask him about a problem I had been having. He reaches over, pulls down a paper towel, and writes the name of a medicine I am supposed to take for said problem. "Here, just go get this at CVS." Thanks, I will just bring in this paper towel and find it!

Then, when I am in labor, he comes in the hospital room muttering about how he has three pregnant patients, all ready to deliver at nearly the same time. Apparently it was cramping his style. He then grabs some gloves, and as he is pulling them on, they break open, and he has to get new ones. He they yells a few expletives, and goes on a rant about how "for the amount of money this hospital charges people, you'd think they could buy decent gloves." We had been warned by a nurse that Dr. Winch didn't exactly have good bedside manner (or any for that matter) and that once he yelled at a baby that was having problems entering the world, calling it a "little @$*#." After Penelope's birth, was the aforementioned episode of him yelling at my legs, "I can't do this if you're going to flinch every time I stitch!"

To Dr. Winch's credit, after the birth he was filling out some paperwork and realized I was a week and a two days overdue. He then said something like, "Wow, I didn't realize she was so far overdue. See that's how a delivery should go. Another doctor would have induced her and she would have ended up with a cesarean." Notice how he said 'she' as if I wasn't there, but hey, I'll take that as a compliment coming from him.

How to induce labor

It seems everyone is very concerned that mother nature will not work and that I will be the first woman on earth to be pregnant forever. And this is only 4 days after my 'due date'. Which is an estimate of when the baby will come, and most any book you read tells you that 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after your due date is just as normal as having your baby on your due date. But, since I get several texts, emails, Facebook messages, and calls every day (sometimes starting at 6 am-thanks!) I am starting to feel like the weirdo that is never going to go into labor. So, along with all of this correspondence, you can imagine I am getting, yes, more advice!

How to induce labor:

Walk - have tried this. I walked down to the mailbox and back one day, but could barely move a few hours later.

Foot Massage - Wayne has been told to give me a foot massage to induce labor. At first I was leery...("I want it to happen naturally...") but quickly realized this would likely be the one and only foot massage I get from my husband. So I told him he could give me a foot massage. That was last Wednesday and I still haven't gotten that massage....

Spicy Food - At the Carlin Chili Cookoff, I was told to eat the hottest and spiciest food. I did, but nothing happened. Wayne's co-worker, Misty, is probably disappointed, as Babygirl was to be named "Chili" if born Saturday.

Boat ride - Well, went boating on Labor Day weekend, so that also failed.

Go to high elevations - Well, since we live next to the Ruby Mountains, we drive up to 9000 feet to go hiking once a week. Well, usually Wayne does the hiking, and I relax somewhere reading a book. So, this one hasn't worked.

A wide variety of intimate husband/wife relations - enough said.

So hold off on the calls/messages tonight, as Wayne and I will be driving up the canyon with Indian food and habenaro salsa, hiking to Liberty Pass, and spreading a soft blanket for foot massages and other romantic events.

Another Childless Saturday

Today we went to town to the farmer's market, sky fair, and a little shop where I got this cute pacifier for Babygirl:

We went to the sky fair last year, and it was fun to go again. Lots of airplanes to walk around and look at.

Several people asked when I was due. I told them Thursday. Here are some of the responses I got:

"You are carrying SO high!"

"Wow, you look great!"

*Blank stare* "Oh, this Thursday?"

"You are carrying SO low!"

And while eavesdropping...

"That girl over there is due this Thursday!"

Then I started to tell this friendly group of women a story that started out with something about my doctor and naming Babygirl....at that point I totally blanked out and said "I'm sorry, I have no idea what I was going to tell you!" How embarrassing! They were pretty understanding, but I still haven't a clue what interesting tidbit I was about to tell them.

Pregnancy Myths

It is true, when you get pregnant, you get lots of helpful, free advice, whether you want it or not. What you also get, is people telling you all about pregnancy, as if they have spent their lives devoted to human reproduction. Which none of it I actually mind THAT much... Here are a few highlights:

The lady that cut Wayne's hair: "Oh, your wife must be SO hot! Did you know that during pregnancy a women's body tempurature rises by 10 degrees?!"

Well, I'm no expert. But I just Googled body temperature, and apparently if your body temperature is around 105-108 degrees Fahrenheit, your body systems shut down and....you die. Normal body temperature is 98.6 degrees. So unless there are pregnant women keeling over at an alarming rate, perhaps you should stick with giving haircuts!

Here is another bit of interesting info. And also a note to the person who told me this that may read this blog: Don't feel bad, I thought it was funny! She made this comment over a month from my due date: "Don't you start gaining a half a pound a day from now until the end?" I burst out laughing and said "I sure hope not! That would be 60 more pounds!" We decided that what she had heard must have either been a half ounce a day or... just wrong. 

[Not] Sleeping While Pregnant

After a long day of carrying around an extra 30 pounds, one looks forward to the comfort of their cozy, warm bed. At least I do. So I start winding down, maybe take a bath, and put pajamas on. (or some article of clothing that still fits) Next, it's the big debate: Eat a snack and face the heartburn vs. get up at 1 AM to have a bowl of cereal. I opt for the snack now, since something at 1 AM still does not guarantee no heartburn later. I smartly make sure I have everything I might need on my bedstand: Tums, water, Chapstick, my phone, and a bag of bagels, just in case. Now I just need to go to the bathroom one more time before I turn in. Done. I lay down and chew a preventative Tum. Now, as many of you know, sleeping on your back is a big no-no during pregnancy, so I lay on my side and grab some Chapstick. My swollen feet hurt, so I try to elevate them slightly. There goes one pillow. The next pillow is propped between my legs, as it is supposed to relieve the pain in my pelvis. Great. Now, another couple Tums, as my throat keeps gurgling, and another pillow to elevate my head slightly. Now, I can finally relax. Feeling pretty good, but I can't sleep. So I grab my phone and read for a while. I finally feel sleepy, so turn off the phone. Uh-Oh, better go to the bathroom one LAST time, so I don't have to get up soon. So off to the bathroom, back to bed, feet up, head up, pillow between legs. Go to sleep. It is approximately 1030 PM. The remainder of the night passes like this:

12 AM - Wake up, man I feel like I've been sleeping well, it must be close to 4. Nope, only midnight. Go to bathroom where a torrent floods the toilet bowl. I wonder briefly if my water has broken, but decide I will just go back to bed and not worry about it. I'm sort-of hungry, but if I don't think about it, it should go away.

1 - Still can't sleep, go to the bathroom and take 2 Tums

3 - Wake up, hands are totally numb. Move them around until I feel them again, and get ready to get up to go to the bathroom. I'm facing the inside of the bed, so must roll over first. One, Two, Three....OK, good. Push/pull/will myself out of bed without moaning too loudly. Walk on numb feet to bathroom. Decide water has not broken. Apply more Chapstick and drink some water.

4 - Wayne gets up and goes to work. I tell him goodbye and sleep well until it starts to get light at....

6 - Go to the bathroom. Move feet and hands around until I can feel them again. Drink more water, as I am almost parched. Babygirl has the hiccups.

7 - Bathroom. Starving, so I go eat some fruit and yogurt. Decide I will sleep in as long as I can to try to get more rest.

730 - Give up, get up and start my day.

Pregnancy Lament

Some women just adore being pregnant. They glow, they have energy, they marvel at the tiny miracle happening inside of them. My body apparently didn't get the memo. So here is my memo to body:

To: Body

From: Self

Date: August 25, 2011

Subject: Pregnancy Lament

Dear Body, I know you are growing a precious little human that I can feel moving around inside of me. I want it to grow and be healthy and smart and cute, there are just a few things I am looking forward to when you are finished incubating this fetus:

I would like to sleep on my back again.

I would be overjoyed to be able to speak more than one sentence without getting out of breath.

It will be just lovely when I can eat a meal in which dessert does not consist of Tums.

I want to be able to jump, run, hike, and ski again, but would be content if I could just do one sit-up.

It would be a welcome change to cough or brush my teeth without gagging.

Perhaps it wouldn't be too much to ask if I could get out of my easy chair without a private pep talk (one, two, three...PUSH)

Oh, and Body, one more thing, please, I would like not have to worry when I laugh or sneeze in public. Body, you just don't work like you used to.

How will I manage...

One thing that has surprised me since being pregnant...well, since I have been 'showing'...is people are incredibly nice to me! I never knew so many people could smile (gasp! at a stranger!) and open doors for you without acting like it is a chore. Sometimes I actually feel like I brighten someones day!

I like to shop at this Mexican fruit market. (I'm not sure if that is politically correct, but that's what I call it.) Last week, el senor gave me free jicama. This week, he insisted on carrying my bags to the car for me (there were only 2). Thanks!

Most women will start up a conversation with you. It usually proceeds like this:

1) Either: "You must be so hot!" or "When are you due?"

2) "Do you know what you're having?"

3) Depending on the person, the next bit ranges from "Well congratulations" to the details of their own pregnancy (all I ate was ketchup!), birth (the baby was squeezing the umbilical cord with its' hand!), child rearing ("Look what you have to look forward to!" as said person's child imitates a disturbed monkey), and/or grandmother-hood (my grandchildren are perfect!).

This brings me to the real question in mind: How will I manage post-pregnancy? I will have to open doors for myself, carry my own belongings, get my own food, not get to choose what restaurant to go to, and not hearing "Ok, Sheena, whatever you want" from my little brother and brother-in-law. (followed by a stage whisper of "Don't upset the pregnant lady!") I suppose the solution to this is to never go anywhere without the baby, and hope it is cute enough to bring a smile to one's face. And hope I don't realize that it is no longer me they are smiling at.