Survival Guide for Living with an Engineer

In actuality, this is less than a survival guide and more of  collections of stories about my dear engineer husband Wayne. If anyone ever sees a the real survival, buy me a copy.

This winter we got quite a bit of snow, and after one large snowstorm, Wayne was out shoveling snow. We noticed that our neighbor was trying to get out; making a few attempts in the car, then shoveling and repeating. After a bit I looked out the window to see Wayne had gone over to help her! I was so impressed with him. So kind and heroic. Later I told him how impressed I was. He sighed, and told me the sequence of events.

Wayne: "Need some help?"

Neighbor: "Well, I know I can get out. My dad was a tow-truck driver so I know how to do this."

Neighbor revs engine and the wheels start spinning on ice. She pushes even harder on the gas, but, alas, it still spins!

Wayne: "I think you need to just slowly get started and keep your momentum going."

Neighbor: "Yeah, I just don't know why I can't get this car out!"

Wayne shakes his head and neighbor tries again. Finally, Wayne hints that he could get the car out if she would let him behind the wheel. Wayne slowly eased up the hill, keeping his 'momentum' going and got the car onto the street.

Neighbor: "Ohhh....So that's what you meant by going slow and keeping your momentum going."

Wayne: "Yeah, it's all about maintaining momentum and static friction. Spinning is dynamic friction, as well as creates ice under the tires."

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Another conversation I had with my engineer husband:

Me: "Ahhh, I have nothing to wear. What should I wear?"

Wayne: "Well you never make an effort to shop for classy outfits."

Me "Huh?" -eye roll- "You think I don't ever look 'classy?'"

Wayne: "Not really. I mean, do you ever do any fashion research? Do you see what styles look good on your body and put together coordinating fabrics and accessorize to complete your outfit?"

Me:  Blank, blank stare. Is this the person I married?

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When I am stupid enough to bring up cooking, Wayne and I generally get into a heated conversation that involves science, measurements, and the rolling pin.

First off, Wayne has a problem with measurements. A fluid ounce is SO much different than a solid ounce. He and many other engineers will tell you that a cup of flour is not a cup of flour. If you want the correct measurements, you must weigh the flour. As in, having a nerdy scale on your counter to weigh everything. This is of course after converting every recipe from cups and teaspoons to grams and milligrams.

If I cook something that doesn't 'turn out,' I brace myself for the cross examination.

Wayne: "Did you follow the recipe?"

Me: "Yes."

Wayne: "Did you have all of the ingredients?"

Me: "YES!"

Wayne: "Did it 'turn out' last time you made it?"

Me: "Yes..."

Wayne: "That's impossible. It was a completely different texture last time. That's impossible. It's basic chemistry, if you had followed the recipe it would have 'turned out.'

Recently Wayne has been cooking more, mostly perfecting the art of cooking eggs. A few weeks ago Wayne was very impressed with his skills.

Wayne: "Check this out! Look at the porosity in these eggs!"

Me: "Nice."

Wayne: "Just look at that! Perfectly uniform! My technique is excellent."

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When I was about 8 months pregnant, Wayne and I went to visit the Family Resource Center, to get a 'carseat safety installation check.' The woman who helped us came out to the car, and explained what angle the carseat should sit at, how tight it should be fastened and other important and apparently complex issues.

First off, she asked if we had the carseat on the side of the car that we wanted it to be on, which was behind the driver's seat. We said yes, and she said she just wanted to make sure, because it is easier to reach back and give the baby a bottle or toy if the carseat is behind the passenger seat.

Wayne: "It would be impossible to reach back and give the baby something. Look at the size of the car. If you were sitting here driving you couldn't reach."

Lady: "Ok, well I just want to make sure, because it's an issue for a lot of people."

Wayne and I glance at each other, wondering about the 'safety' issues of reaching into the back seat in search of baby paraphernalia.

(Despite what they say, 'installing' a carseat does NOT take a rocket scientist. Or an engineer, for that matter.)

The woman jumped on top of the carseat and pushed, pulled, snapped and unsnapped things until she was satisfied with it's installation.

Lady: "See, now it's at the correct angle."

Wayne: "No, it's exactly how it was before"

Lady: "No, see the angle of the carseat in relation to the ground? You need to have it at that angle."

Wayne: "But we're parked on a hill-"

Me: "AHEMM!!" -stomp on Wayne's to with my 30 extra pounds of weight - "Well thanks! Have a good day!"

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Often when Wayne comes home from work, he has what I call his 'work voice.' Last week he says to me, "Would you please purchase Penelope some basic infant picture books. She needs to be educated in the simple words of a toddler. Animals, colors, and shapes. I really think we're doing her a disservice by not providing her with that type of book." Yes, dear....